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Thursday, July 31, 2014

dear friend

Dear bachche,
Happy birthday. howz u? hope u r fine. U know aaj aapse bat krne ka mann h. but darta hu main ab. Time b sala bda ajib hai na… pta hi nhi laga k kb ye ladki mere liye “tu” se “tum” fir “tum” se “aap” aur fir aap se “ma’am” ho gyi. I do miss to say you “tu”. Maine tujhe bahut sataya h na... but my intention was pure like deshi ghee. J mujhe abhi b yad h hmari pehli mulaqat, jb tum manisha k sath ayi thi campus shop pe. It was 15th September’2011 9:23am. Yaar ye jaruri nhi hota h ldka ldki se related dates sirf isliye yad rkhta h k wo use pyar krta h. I never loved u and u also did the same. But ek bonding thi hmari yar. Understanding thi. Acha lgti thi apni dosti. I know main kafi rough bolta hu. But mujhe yad h kbhi kbhi ka apna tere liye jhuk jana. u know college me bht kam log aise the, jinki smile achi thi, heart touching type. Sach bolu? Teri nhi thi waisi smile. That’s why I never said k megha teri smile achi h. main ye keh deta tha k tu achi h. I liked (sorry to say this word) you, but love aur like me to difference hota h na. ye to tujhe b pta h. ek bat kahu, mujhe bura us din nhi lga tha jis din tune kaha tha k kal se bat nhi karungi. Mujhe bura us din lga tha jb holi k din hm tere ghar k aage se nikle aur tune nazrein chura li thi mukesh aur mujhe dekh kr. Are hm andar thodi na aate gate k aur na hi hm logo ne drink ki hui thi, atleast known ya senior samajh k hi smile pas kr deti itna hi kafi tha. Mujhe bura tb nhi lga tha jb suna k tu committed ho gyi. Mujhe bura tb lga tha jb ye bat maine kisi aur se suni. Tu meri itni achi dost rhi, tune btana chahiye tha mujhe. (Even hmara to pre-decided tha k tere commitment pe party krenge). Megha mujhe bura tb nhi lga tha jb tune bola k “aapki wjh se hmare relation me problem h”. mujhe bura tb lga tha jb tu apne arpit ko hmari silent friendship prove nhi kr payi. Silent isliye k hmari last time phone pe bat march me hui thi. Aur uske bad kuch 10-15 msg 16 june k around, tb Jab main assam me tha aur tu Delhi NCR me sayd kisi shadi me aayi hui thi. Jis din college aye tum, bday gift dia tmhe. Us din b muskil se 2 second ruka sayd main trishul hostel k upar. Main pta nhi kyu likh rha hu ye sb. Mujhe tera apni bat pe loyal hona bda acha lgta h. k ek bar jo keh diya so keh diya. Kitni poems aur shayri likhi thi yar maine tujhpe. Impress krne k liye nhi likhta tha. U know mere pas wo 1 b poem aur shayri nhi hain. Sb tujhe us din copy me de di thi. Aur obvious si bat hai, mera haq hi kya h wo poems rkhne ka. Likhi tujhe pet hi to hui b to teri hi. meri to bus thodi si ink gyi usme.(magar bahut sari feelings b thi usme L ). 20th march k bad main 21 September ko mila tujhe. Ek hi college me hone k bad b pure 6 month bad. Us din ek meri wajah se problem ka sach chhipane k liye tera dusra jhut bolna k bhookh lgi h(sach hi hoga, jhut kyu bolegi). Mujhe chubh gya tha. Megha maine tere chehre pe padh liya to wo. Tbhi maine poem likhi thi k
muddat ke baad dekha use badli hui thi wo
na jane kya hadsa hua sehmi hui thi wo
mujhe dekh kar usne chehra to dikha diia
mgr aankhein bta rhi thi k royi hui thi wo
uski aankhon me dekh kar mehsoos hua mujhe
meri tarah kisi soch mein doobi hui thi wo
uski sone jaisi rangat zard parr gayi thi
jaise kisi ke pyaar mein jali hui thi wo
qurbaan jaon uss shakhs pe main “khamosh”
yaad me jiski khoyi hui thi wo

u knw tera “meri life se chle jao” kehne ka andaz bahut meetha tha Bahut meetha. Ek wo bat ki “tumhe malum h na mujhe aadat h tumhari, kam se kam meri aadat badalne tak to mere sath ruk jao” aur ek wo bat k “usne apne ghar ka rasta b dikha diya aur ye b kaha k intezar mt krna. Usne ye b kaha k main kbhi nhi milungi tumhe, magar tb b kisi se pyar mt krna” tmhe bahut acha aata tha. Mujhe ye dono bat bahut achi lgi thi teri. Aur main aaj b teri utni hi respect krta hu jitni pehle... tujhse sikhayat nhi h mujhe koi. Magar tb teri absence bht jyada feel hoti h, jab barish hoti hai aur jab aasman me chaand bahut pyara dikhta h. ab koi hota hi ni msg krne k liye k “ bahar aa k dekh chaand kitna pyara lag rha h”. kyu kia main kisi aur ko bolunga to log pagal bolne lgenge mujhe. hehe Maine tujhse kbhi koi gift hi nhi liya na… mujhe acha nhi lgta tha yar. Sach me. Juhi ki kasam. Maine kbhi realize hi nhi kiya kbi k kaisa lgta h jb koi kisi ko gift lauta de. College k last din is 26th June ko main H.O.D. k pas ek tohfa le k gya tha. Ki ek de deta hu jate jate. Usse pehle maine 2 bar dprtmnt me mithai khilayi h. dono bar usne khayi. But us din usne tohfa b nhi liya aur mithai b nhi khayi. U knw bht bht bht bura lga tha, k usne gift lauta diya. Tb mujhe tujhe gift lauta dena yad aya. And I realized how much I hurt u on my very first bday treat with you (you presented a novel “father, please no”) and tera mujhe mukesh k hatho bhijwaya hua wo tohfa. Sorry megha. Teri wali novel maine kai bar dhundi market me. But mujhe nhi mili. But nhi mili mujhe. Maine pure b.tech me tujhe kbhi jhut nhi bola. But jate jate ek jhut bol gya. Jb tune bola k main aapki novel k paise bhijwa dungi. To maine keh diya k jiska naam acknowledgement me h usse maine paise nhi liye. But sach ye tha k main tujhse lena nhi chahta tha. Mainly teri wjh se hi to wo novel puri hui to tujhse kyu paise lene. Aur waise b tujhse kaha’n kbhi kuch liya h maine. Ha ek bar biochemistry ki book li thi mail pe. Aur b liya hoga sayd. But dhyan nhi ab. Fir u know near about 40 juniors ko apni book di, aur kisi se paise nhi liye. Kyu lene yar junior se paise. Jo junior se b paise lene lge to wo senior b kya. I know very well ki as a senior main kbi tere kaam nhi aya. Kbhi b nhi. Never. But mujhe hmesa acha lgta tha k teri mujhse hr sem me 5-10 % jyada aati rhi. Yad h? maine 3rd year me ek bar kaha tha k college k last din milna ek bat btaunga. Ho hi nhi paya fir milna. Tumhe apna gurur tha hme apna. U know jb tu first year me thi, goonj me maine hi bheja tha tujhe miss goonj k liye apne branch se. bahut behes hui thi hmari class ki girls se is bat pe. But tujhe pta hi h hmari class k boys. Hehe. Hm logo ki grls se bnti nhi so hm unki sunte b nhi. Pehle preeti aur shefali ko bhej rhe the. Fir mujhe tera dhyan aya. Fir preeti replace ho gyi. Preeti ko b maine hi select kiya tha wha k liye. But wo maan gyi k juniors ko chance dena chahiye.  Fir wo m.tech ki rupali mam se setting. K koi b ho megha jaegi hi jaegi aage. Jb hm 2nd year me the main bahut dur se pehchan leta tha tujhe. Aur ab ptani kya. Sayd interaction nhi h. tu paper se kuch roj pehle mere muskil se 4 feet dur se guzri, mujhe pta hi lga. Wo to tb pt alga jb aage ja k mere bgl se guzrne wali ldki kedar k aage ruki. Fir arpit milne aya. Tb pehchana maine tujhe. Aur yar believe me, fb pe us I.D. se message maine nhi liye the. Mujhe koi b bat krni hoti to main apni I.D. se hi kr deta kyuki tere sath achi understanding thi. Us chakkar se fir maine ID hi bnd kr di thi. But mujhe sach me nhi pta k wo photo kaha se aayi us bnde pe, jo usne aapko bheji thi msgs me. U know Juhi k bad tut hi jo meri life e itni important rhi. Tbhi to tujhe novel me itna character diya. Tujhe usme kafi error mili hongi. But jab koi book publish ho k market me aati h, tb grammatical error k liye editor responsible hote hain. Wo khud se type krte hain apne according to remove error. But editor ne error kr di sari. Khair 2nd edition me nhi hoga aisa. Tujhe main samajh me nhi aa rha k kaise contact karu. Samajh me nhi aa rha k bat kya krunga. Main to pehle b aisa hi tha, phone pe b khamos aur mil k b khamosh. But time badal gya h ab. Ab wo bonding ko replace kr diya h arguments, silence aur remembrance ne. yar bura mat maan, but thoda to sath rehti. Tu to aise gyi jaise light chli jane k bad ek bade se room me sannata fail jata h. ab main poetry nhi krta. 23rd December’12 ko tune kaha tha k mujh pe mt kiya kro poetry. I do remember ur words. Us din k bad se pta nhi kya hua. I didn’t left poetry but Poetry left me. Tune mujhe bahut bahut bahut kuch sikhaya h life me. Bahut kuch which brings maturity in a person. Mere bas me hota to main tujhe 10th November’12 ki beauty(tu usi din ghar gyi thi clg se aur rat ko shadi attend kr rhi thi) k liye miss beautiful ka award b de deta. Aur mujhe itna kuch sikhane k liye ek best teacher ka b. itna to teacher se seekha, jitna tujhse seekha life me.  Ab yar Tu b soch rhi hogi k kya faltu ki bate likh rkhi hain isne pure msg me. Bday k din b faltu batein kr rha h. chal poetry try krta hu aaj ek. I know bekar hi hogi.
Ek tuta hua chaand, ek thami hui barish
Ek chhoti si aas, ek dabi hui sajish
kuch gulaab khile hue aur do hoth sile hue
kuch andaj juda sa, aur do dil mile hue
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne
do aankhein hairan si, kuch khwahisein pareshan si
kuch silwatein juban si, kuch shaklein anjaan si
kuch sath chhoote se, kuch riste toote se
kuch parose hue khwab jhuthe se, kuch apne roothe se
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne
thoda masum si hasi, thoda sehmi hui baatein
thoda gir jane k chahat, thoda fislti hui raatein
kuch ehsaan dabe se, kuch armaan jage se
kuch tuti hui neendein, kuch shamshan lute se
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

12:19pm pe baitha ye pura likhne. Ab 2:46 ho rha h. itna hi likh paya bus.

Again happy birthday. Life me kbhi jarurat ho jarur yad krna. I know tu loyal h. nhi btaegi mujhe. tc
- copy right @ Kamal Paneru

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Believe Me I am Fetishist… I Don’t Love You

Believe Me I am Fetishist… I Don’t Love You
Still I remember that chilled morning of 2 years ago when I was leaving the city for the marriage of my friend’s sister. They had arranged that marriage in the other city. So well all friends took the same book which they hired. I set in two chairs sided column. Just next to me In the 3 seated column a bad looking married woman of about 25 was having their seat. Our destination was 4 hour far on the rounded zigzag road of hills, which were filled with the natural beauty and covered with a white beauty of snow.
I didn’t see her much because I was not interested at all. After having our destination when she descended I saw her eyes. It was beautiful, no no no… I think I don’t have not a perfect word to describe her eyes. I looked her eyes and lost in it. After that whenever I looked at her I saw only thing in her was her eyes.she caught me many times while doing this. But every time I made her feel comfortable in this whole eye contact and kept her crude thinking away. As time passed I noticed she was looking at me, my eyes constrained her. But I didn’t know why she was gazing me in every five minutes. Then this five minute gap collapsed into couple of seconds. I thought she was going to complaint to their goon like father. Trust me I am not a fetishist or a pervert. Her eyes didn’t let me see after her face. So I decided I won’t look her anymore, but I couldn’t stop myself and I looked her again then again and then again. Night was at their peak. It had been more than 1’O clock. We were in a sitting in a big hall and we all friend were making fun of the consort of friend’s sister. We all friend were sitting on the sofa while she was sitting on the floor some 25 feet straight away from me. Night compelled all to cover themselves with the quilt. she was gazing me.
“Why are you gazing me like this? did I do something wrong?”I asked to myself. I know I had to ask it from her. I saw when she slept she was looking worse. But I saw her again and again, its not that there was only a chick of that age. There were many other spinster of teen and twenties. But with a hope to see her eyes I placed my eyes on her face. After two hours when she opened their eyes, it was me whom she saw first. I passed her a smile but she turned their face. After this whenever she caught me I passed a smile, our eye contact time had been increased to five to ten seconds, once it was staying just for a glance. My all friends were sleeping and I was sitting with opened eyes. its not that I don’t sleep at night, but I didn’t want to waste even a single second without her eyes. does it mean “main line maar rha tha?” after that I said many thing with my eyes even I asked her name too. She didn’t reply, but again and again and again she looked at me. I don’t know what that was, but I was enjoying. The way I was looking her and the way she was turning her face after making eye contact for aeon. Finally the marriage finished and we had to come back. Don’t know whether it was coincidence or my luck, we got the same seat which we had last time. After few minutes I approached her. I typed a message and showed her. Its because I didn’t have her no at that time. She saw and turned her face. I didn’t speak because because she was surrounded by her relatives. As bus started the journey of those zigzag path, she got a feeling of nausea so shifted to the window seat. I wanted to talk her so I changed my seat by pretending the same and sat just behind her on the window seat. All person sitting in bus were drowsy because of the hectic schedule of last night so within an our she slept. I put my hand on the head of her seat. She was sleeping. Once unknowingly her fingers touched my hand and I touched her palm with my lustful fingers. She woke up but didn’t oppose and left her hand there. I rubbed her palm then hand. She turned.
What are you doing?
Sorry.
No its okay.
Whats your name?
… and urs?
... (I must not write these two name)
R u married?
Why are you asking?
I like you.
Okay, if I were not what would you do?
I don’t know, but I like your eyes.
Really?
Yup
I am 19 single, not married.
Okay that nice
Give me your no. she asked and I gave her. She did the same and I got her no. after then she slept again and again I started to rub her hand. I was having thinking that she was coquette. I moved my hand to her shoulder and rubbed there. She didn’t speak so it encouraged me and I put my hand on her bust. Though I adjusted because I was sitting behind her. She didn’t mind so I dabbed that bust. She opened her eyes and bristled.
What are you doing?
Sorry. I said and removed my hand but after few minutes I did the same in a dexterous way.
Itni b kya jaldi hai? She turned and asked.
Because I know this is the right time.
Okay.
Any problem?
No. she said and showed her agreement on what I was doing. I entered my hand in her suit in a brozen way and she started to rub my hand. I made her on and debauched her.
Dear please cover it with your shaul. I said and she followed me. then for the next two hours I pressed her bust from inside the brassiere. I noticed her bust were buxom. She had small but nice tits. After completing the journey we both went to there home. And in the evening I received her call. I created balderdash and asked her figure with an entreaty. It was 34-28-36. Within few minutes she exuded her love but I denied by saying we are from different cast. I hesitated to say “I don’t love you”. whenever she asked “do u love me” I changed the topic and made a wall of cast. Still she asks the same and still I talk about cast. Because I am afraid of saying “dear believe me, I don’t love you”. her love in on crutches. I played with her emotions and still to hide the lie I am playing. I am a fetishist I am a pervert and I am a consummate. But neither I am misogynist nor misogamist. God bless her and my mind too.

-          - (c)  Kamal Paneru

Thursday, July 17, 2014

an unspoken love

Andrew and Ganga (an unspoken love)
Sometimes love comes between two person with very first glance. In that evening, clouds and insane wind were making a threatening environment but blemishing the beauty of the empyrean. There in a big grassy ground, Ganga was waiting for Andrew. Andrew was her lover who she met only three days ago. She fell in love at very first sight. Andrew was an Adonis. She proposed him and he accepted it because Ganga was the beauty girl and more adorable. She was the one whose look could compel anyone to stare for eon. After a long wait of two hours Andrew came and stopped at few distance from her. He shied and then smiled. As he saw in her eyes, Ganga suddenly became restless. Her heart started to beat so fast. She could feel and hear her breathe too in that heavy rainy noise. Her eyes shed a drop of tear which raindrops washed out. Her impatience was increasing and Andrew was afflicting her from that distance. On seeing her restlessness Andrew smiled and forwarded his hand to ask her to be closed. He showed her lingering love by putting a love filled palm on her face. Ganga felt so happy, and then he gradually unlocked her lovely hairs which were falling on her face. Andrew kissed her lips deeply for first time and Ganga couldn’t resist. They enjoyed their first love kiss which was awesome. Andrew held her hand and spoke a smallest poetry on her beauty. It made her Ganga to fly in the endless sky. Her heart melted down with those lines of poem. He could feel her running heart beat so took her in the arms tightly. It enraptured her. She closed her eyes and found herself most lucky woman of the whole universe.  That was the moment; Ganga had waited for whole life. Time had been stopped and the only thing which running was, their deep breathes. Andrew and Ganga were made for each other.
“I have to go”. Andrew said.
“Why? You just came few seconds ago”. Ganga asked. Andrew didn’t reply and remained silent. His silence was the catastrophe to Ganga. His words and silence both scratched her heart. Andrew left her hand and turned. He wanted to say the truth but her tears made him weak.
“Ganga I Love you”. Andrew said but her lips were trembling. Ganga wanted to stop him to leave but her throat had been filled with endless emotions. Andrew wanted to tell him about the nearest end of his life. He was suffering from a disease which had overwhelmed her life. Now he was approaching to death with time. He left her there and went. Rain on the ground had been stopped but Ganga’s face was wet with the tears yet. She kept watching till he disappeared. Night had introduced itself but that darkness was nothing in front of the darkness of her life. Andrew had enlightened her life and her dreams too. Now she was going through the unbearable pain and waiting in vain. Andrew died just after the few days of that meet. Ganga is still unknown to this truth. Now it has been two years but she waits for him because according to Ganga, he is not returned yet so he will come. She never tried to know why he left and why doesn’t he come back. She has a hope to make herself enliven in the pain. To be cherished and make her own heart fool, every morning she wakes up and keeps open the door to let her first love come in.

-         - copy right @ Kamal Paneru