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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

silence

Silence doesn't always mean "yes". sometimes it means, I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

and i love..


hum-tum

.
bus yu hi tera sath ho...
main rahu akela magar teri baat ho
jheel kinare baithu jab to saya tera nazar aaye
pani me bikhre mere jazbat ho
kuch main kahu apne labo se
kuch aankho se kahi teri baat ho
main simat'ta chala jaau teri baajuo me
kbhi na khatm ho, aisi koi raat ho
bus yu tera sath ho
machal jaye dunia jab tere deedar ko
tera aksh meri aankho k paas ho.
kuch kasam de mujhe apne pyar ki
ishq me barbad ho jau magar wajud aabaad ho
main pighlta rahu teri muhabbat me toot kar
jo mujhe thame wo tera hath ho.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

kuch to hua hoga...


koi khat likha to hoga.
tune mere bare me kisi se kaha to hoga
pehchan teri aankho me meri anjaan hi rhi
tune akele me mera naam kbhi kaha to hoga
hui badnaami teri aaj mere naam k sath
tune khamosh labo se sb saha to hoga...
kaise ruksat karu tujhe main apne dil se
tune saanso ko mera paigaam kaha to hoga
din bhar tapti dhoop, aur fir raat amaawas ki
teri aankho me, yado ka kankar rha to hoga
beshaq naa maan aaj mujhe tu apna
kbhi tera bhi samundar mere liye baha to hoga...

-(c)Kamal Paneru

ek zindgi udhaar ki

kuch udhaar ki zindgi wo jiya krta tha...
kuch aansu the aankho me, unhe piya krta tha
hairan the sb, use rota dekh kr
jo hr pal ko itminaan se jiya krta tha
aaj baith k pehlu me uske, jajbato ko samjha
jo kabhi pyar bhi jee-jaan se kiya krta tha...
khamos sa afsana reh gya darmiyaan ab
kbhi khuda ko bhi hairan kia krta tha
haal bayaan kr rhi thi uske hotho ki zard dhoop
kaise wo apne jakhm siya krta tha...
muqaddar bhi rooth baitha us maasum dil se
jo khud ko sbke liye pighla dia krta tha...
-(c)Kamal Paneru

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

ek judai


tujhse door reh kar ye khud ko saja di maine
teri chahat me dunia bhula di maine
tera asks jab jab aankho me aaya
aankho se ek nadi baha di maine
tu krta rha sitam gairo ki baho me reh kr
phle dil se fir dunia se ye bat chhupa li maine
tera wajood b na rha ab muntzir
aankho se bas teri tasveer bna li maine
wo brahmin padh gya k tu kismat me nhi h
usi roj hatho se apne har lakeer mita li maine
tujhse milne ki jab jab aag lagi dil me
aansuo se wo aag bujha li maine
ek muddat hui tune palat kr nhi dekha mujhko
aaj apni hasti dunia se hata li maine
-(c) Kamal Paneru

Monday, December 1, 2014

aakhir ye hai kya


har baat chhupate ho, doori darmiyaan me hai kya
muh fer kar chup rhe, chaale padh gye jubaan me kya
mera lehza hi teekha h, nukhs hai kuch mere bayaan me kya
4 din ki wehsat dikhi tmhe, saadgi nahi is "kamal" nadaan me kya
kuch pal hain, sath guzaar lo, fir milne aaoge hme shamshan me kya?
hmari kismat hi adhuri, itna btao khot hai us bhagwan me kya?

-(c) Kamal Paneru

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

a letter to lover

Dear Pagli
Happy birthday… may god and your lives give you the best moments which we couldn’t share. I am missing you for last night, actually not for last night, I am missing you for years. Anyway how are you? Hope a bit fine than me.  Have you taken your meal? Hmmm? I know you are having fast for the day. In my life you are the only girl I have seen who keeps fast on her birthday. Do you remember when we met for the first time and planned for you birthday which was 11 months far. Silly noise of the heart and feelings of the breath were the only mediators between us. Do you remember the first word we shared on the very first meet? I know you can’t forget the words “kaisi ho aap?”. You know one thing, when I saw you first time, you were not looking beautiful but I was happy by knowing that the heart you bearing beats for me and only for me. I do feel the touch of your softer skin and warmth of your arm in the killing winter of January. I do miss those moments of our life which we shared together by realizing the real happiness of true love. But you had to go. Far away from me. They say, we have committed breakup, but I am tired of saying we didn’t. It’s just “Dastoor of true love”. Our love started with my “kaisi ho aap?” and ended with your “bye”. Sorry I must not say ended. Still I love you and I know far from the fake world you too. You know I have told to my friends about you. I have dedicated my first love theme based novel to you by penning “dedicated to my love, don’t know where she is”. I do remember your beauty which was silent but more than enough to make me love you till my last breath. I do remember your voice which I am dying to hear again. I do feel the touch of your fingers moving over my head when I close my eyes and dream about you.  I do miss your care when cough and cold tease me night after night. Though I have a nice friend circle but nobody is there to say “either we will eat together or be hungry for whole night”. Nobody says “I like to write your name on my palm”. Once when you said you haven’t seen sea yet, on that day I decided I will see the sea first time only with you. Believe me I haven’t seen it yet and now I won’t ever in my life. Few months ago, I was going through a road and suddenly a girl screamed “Juhi….” You won’t believe me, I got blank, my heartbeat stopped for a while. My feet jammed there but I couldn’t dare to have a glance on the girl. Long time ago I have heard this name. My past was standing just behind me, but I was sure it was not you. I closed my eyes tightly and ran away from there. I don’t know why I ran from there when I pray daily to meet you. I didn’t sleep at that night. I knitted a hanky with the cotton of your memories and threads of my tears. I just hid face in my palm when trying to sleep in my dark room. But I couldn’t sleep, I wanted to meet you in the dream to ask “who was that girl either you or someone else?” Destiny had decided something else so I couldn’t meet you. But still you are in my dream, in my reverie, in my breath and in my heart. On Saturday I got placed in VVE3 InfoTech Solution P. Ltd as Software Engineer Trainee. As I got the offer letter, it was you who I wanted to tell. But the worse thing in the world is we can’t touch our past, we just taste it with memories. Anyway I missed you and communicated with you in my imagination. Today 12th November is your birhtday, the day when god sent an angel on the earth to love me a lot. So again happy birthday. Be mine forever. But “tere sath baithne nhi dete ye log” they say “find a new one”. But I deny by saying “true love happens once”.

Tera ishq h ya peer ki mazaar koi

Tu dikhayi nhi deti, sayd h diwaar koi
Tujhse milu jo khwab me to sawar jaau main
Jo thoda yad kr lu to bikhar jaau main
Tu jakhm h ya uspe lga h marham koi
Tu dil me samayi h jaise h dua koi
Apne bhi mujhe ajnabi se lagne lge
Khwab meri aankho me thakne lge
Tu sath h ya h vaada koi
Bus tu jeene ka mere irada h koi
©-Kamal Paneru

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

mardaangi

mardaangi is not only about to satisfy her, but also about to make her feel secure when you are with him in the crowd of penetrating eyes...
(c)- Kamal Paneru

Thursday, October 16, 2014

yes i wear bra, and it shows so???



yes i wear bra, and it shows so???

Why? Why do you do that? Stare at my breasts like they are cute babies calling out to be cuddled. Strip me naked, slowly, every time I enter the bus? Try to glimpse into my cleavage when I am sitting and reading in the metro.

Who gives you the right? To grope me in the crowded bus? To fall on me "innocently" when I buy popcorn in the theater. When I sit cross legged in the auto and you stop your bike and look hungrily at my legs.

A piece of meat, am I?
How do you think I feel? When I have to continuously watch over my shoulder, because it is 10 pm and there is nobody at the bus stop, except you. Staring at my neck.

When I panic, because my phone is dead, and I am in a cab wearing a backless dress?
When my friends and parents worry that I have to travel alone at night?
When I am sleepless in the bus, thinking, that your hands will pin me down and yank my clothes away?

What makes you think I should not wear that pretty black skirt?
To be scared. Afraid. Tensed. Every time I am not at home.
What makes you think I like it when I find you smiling at my bra strap that shows?


Yes, I wear a bra. Yes, it shows. So?
Ohh, don't say that its my clothes! I have found you eyeing the waist of that woman who was wearing the plain faded saree. Your eyes get all excited when the young college going girl enters the bus in just a kurta, no dupatta covering her bosom.

And yes, one slip of the pallu or dupatta and you go wild.
Staring. Smiling. And staring.
So, if I have a beer in my hand when I am on a beach, you think you can click my picture?
When I wear hot pants and laugh with a guy you think you can pinch my ass?

Does the lit cigarette in my hand seem like an invitation to you? To come violate my body with your eyes?

Yes, I am a girl and I drink alcohol, so I am an 'easy target'. Is that it?
Yes, I drink. I smoke. Does that mean I want to have sex with you and every man on the street?

You. Who teach your daughter to be safe from evil eyes, don't flinch before mentally having sex with me when you see me on the street?

You, who get angry when a boy smiles at your sister, don't feel ashamed standing at the street corner whistling at me every night.
No practice what you preach, for you, right.

Do you still think I am the one who needs to change?

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

and a why

let me grow, let me fly away
i have wings, let me try a way
do i need an awe-full sound?
do i need to be bound?
no... i don't
why don't you tell me the truth
why cant you give me a place
is this the only world to play?
no... i won't
let me touch the depth of my imagination
let me make a world with my creation
why do you push me in the hell
don't i talk to you very well?
why are you afraid of?
why destiny is hitting me?
is this because, i am girl???
- (c) Kamal Paneru

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

And The Last Day

“Would you me now?” I asked.
“Yes…I don’t want but I have to." She replied. I noticed her eyes had ended the tears and the kohl had disrupted the existence of her beauty. My eyes were wetbut I controlled my emotion and again drowned me in a silent sobbing.
“What’s my fault?” I asked.
“Nothing…but its over now.”
“Tell me at least once.” I regretted again and again. I was crying for myself. I was asking her to be back in my life again. But I forgot relations are not made by words. These are the purest form of two hearts feeling the same. Once she found congenial company with me but now without any broken word she was pushing me out from the empyrean of her love. I was missing her canoodle. I was missing her gentle touch. I was about to lose all things in front of my eyes. Like we can’t hold sand in our fist same thing we can’t hold relation by tears when other one is ignoring the meaning hidden behind these worthless water drops.
“I don’t love you anymore”. She replied and broke down in tear again.
“Why…???” I asked and hugged her tightly. She lay her head over my chest and shed tears alot. I just felt how much I hurt her. I know it hurts when she says “ I don’t love you” but it hurts too much when she says “now I don’t love you anymore”. This anymore bears much and more than that. She didn’t reply and just cried. I rubbed her back and made her feel warm with my care.
"In our relation your love was like a melting ice piece, which was there but continuously losing its existence. I know how much I missed you when I lost my entire family in that catastrophe. I told you the tragedy at that time and you disconnected the phone by saying I’m in meeting. Can you imagine how much it hurts? really you can’t. You really don’t know the meaning of wait. I used to wait whole day just to spend few moments with you in the evening. But you always disenchanted me and came tardy. Have you ever realized how many nights Ihave spent without taking meal? No… you don’t know. Because I was running for you and you were running for money. Dear, I know money brings happiness, but you couldn’t distinguish difference between love and money. Love is not money.You can procure anything with your money even relation too. But you can’t buy feeling with it.” She said and I realized what I got what I lost. I lost my happiness. I was working to get happiness but she was my happiness. Her phone rang. It was her uncle asking her to be at home. I wanted to say her sorry. But as they say sorry works when mistake is made but it doesn’t when trust is broken. Once I promised her I will be with you in any situation and how silly I was. I couldn’t give her proper time when she lost her family. I had broken the trust and I was solely responsible to bear that peril.
“Okay…I’m leaving. I won’t meet you now onward but…” she stopped her lips.
“but…”
“But I cant forget you… you were my only love… still I love you but things have been changed. Feelings have been changed and I too.”
“Bye” she said.
“bye…I wish you back in my life”
“Hmmm…but now not possible. Take care” she said and left. Her last adios was touching, to me, to her and to our relation. Tonight I didn’t take my dinner. Its 1:00am but I am not hungry. I am just realizing her spent time, when I ended my dinner in luxurious hotels and she waited for me to have dinner together. I am the only offender and couldn’t get better castigation then this.But still I am missing her from the bottom of my heart.
-        © Kamal Paneru

Thursday, August 28, 2014

still i miss


still i see myself pushed in the balcony of the past where i was something, for me and a bit for you. You cherished my way of life, and enlighten the way i used to nurture myself. A bitter truth inside me lies which threatens me from the miserable upcoming days. you left me there in the darkness of your absence. i waited a lot then tried to move. but before i could i realized some feeling for you were taking place in my heart. which were compelling me to keep myself silent and away from the thinking of blaspheming you. please come back and tell me a reason why did you leave me?
was i a intruder in your heart?
was i the someone who you didn't like?
was i the anonymous for you?
or something else...
-(c) Kamal Paneru

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

a walk of silence


really it is amazing pain when silence speaks...
a road which goes to nowhere
a tear which awaits to be fall down
a memory which is about to be remembered
a word which is unspoken
a heart which doesn't beat anymore
a smile which has been lost
a joy which is reverie
a touch which is not touchy
a smell which is not lingering anymore
and a glace which is forgotten.
- (c) Kamal Paneru

Friday, August 15, 2014

Why Should I Love You...??? by Kamal Paneru


lets go through the why of love...
let your mind blow and heart sink in the deep ocean of love...
and let you partner know what happens when asks questions...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

WHY SHOULD I LOVE YOU (NOVEL)


an unforeseen and unforgettable love story by Kamal Paneru
are you ready to answer the why of love???

Thursday, August 7, 2014

ilzam


ilzam dena to fitrat h unki
hmare hatho me gulab dekh kr bole
kaante lane k liye shukriya...

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

kuch lamhe zindagi ke

Ek tuta hua chaand, ek thami hui barish
Ek chhoti si aas, ek dabi hui sajish
kuch gulaab khile hue aur do hoth sile hue
kuch andaj juda sa, aur do dil mile hue
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne
do aankhein hairan si, kuch khwahisein pareshan si
kuch silwatein juban si, kuch shaklein anjaan si
kuch sath chhoote se, kuch riste toote se
kuch parose hue khwab jhuthe se, kuch apne roothe se
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne
thoda masum si hasi, thoda sehmi hui baatein
thoda gir jane k chahat, thoda fislti hui raatein
kuch ehsaan dabe se, kuch armaan jage se
kuch tuti hui neendein, kuch shamshan lute se
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

-(c) Kamal Paneru

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

in the lap of silence

“Kamal, Place your hand over me, I want you to heal me”. I still remember her words. In that evening I saw her for very last time. Some two years ago when we met first time, she was shivering with the cold. And a thread of sneeze was overwhelming her to be squeezed. Completely wet with the demon rain drops she was heading to nowhere on the footpath. Thunderstorm had made the silence in the road. Her suit was flat to her body and she was trying to cover her head with the dupatta.  I was driving my Innova and illuminating the impression of that rainy season. I saw a girl, an alone girl was moving on the footpath and her feet were trembling. Its men’s tendency they do not leave a girl, especially when she is alone. I slowed down and turned my car lil bit to her 
She needs help, I must drop her”. I said to myself. I was not intended to get her; I just turned on my coin of helping nature. I stopped my car some 15 feet ahead of her and by peeping from the left hand side door of my car as I opened my lips to speak something, her beauty dazzled me. How beautiful how elegant she was. But on keeping it aside I asked her to come with me. She denied and everybody knows why. But when I said her “you will be sick, strangers are better than known, so trust me atleast once, I’ll drop you where you want, you won’t get any rickshaw or auto to be with” she agreed with a thanks on her lips. As she entered in the car, she made entire seat wet with her cloths. Her home was some one kilometer away from there. Actually not her home, she used to live there on rent. She was from Indore. Such a nice combination she was from Indore and I from Indrapuram of Delhi but both were working in Ahmadabad. She shifted here few days ago. I dropped her at her home. She requested me to have a cup of tea and I couldn’t deny the request of such adorable girl.
What do you do? Study or job?” I asked.
job”. She replied precisely.
Where?
“Some 2km away from here, at Jaanvi software Pvt Ltd.”
“Really?” I asked though I was not ready to believe that those sweetest lips of the world can lie. It was my company. I was the owner of Jaanvi Software Pvt Ltd. I had incepted it some two years ago in the remembrance of my love. It was a small company but continuously growing.
Hmmm, what do you do?” I wanted to tell her the truth but I didn’t. I do job in a small company. I changed the topic. She had joined us few days ago and then I came to knew who my company workers used to talk about. Really she was amazing. On that day I regretted why I don’t take interviews why have I opted HR and other members to scrutinize the talent of knowledge and beauty. We became friend and exchanged our numbers. In further days we talked a lot, and gradually she fell in love with me without knowing me much. And I was much dedicated to my ex lover who was almost a wife for me. When she proposed me I denied by saying I have no feeling for you. Though I liked much but it was unfeasible for me to fall in love again. She cried in front of me a lot and said those words I have written in the starting. I was fortunate that somebody loved me without knowing my possession. But I was the man of words. She left me there that day when I told her I love someone else. She couldn’t know that I was the owner of the company, and generally it happens a normal employee can’t see the owner of the company. On the very next week I came to know she had left the company and had left the footprints of her heart in my mind and most probably somewhere in my heart. After one month I started to miss her. I phoned her, that was switch off, I went to her room, she had left that before. I checked the mail id of that girl from the docs records of employers. I mailed her but after the very first very first mail she blocked my there. It has been two years, I have never seen such elegant such kind such beautiful girl as she was. She was the name of charming person she was the meaning of adorable and she was more than that what I can’t explain in words. But I miss her; I feel I have lost something. Actually that was not something, she was more than that. I think everything after my first love. Yesterday she replied me on mail, and today I am going to meet her and say her that “dear let me wake up from the lap of silence because I love you. Squeeze me with you lingering love.”

-         ©Kamal Paneru


a must read this unforgettable love story. if you dare to love someone, then are you ready to go through the why of love???

Saturday, August 2, 2014

In the race of final year in Engineering


In the whole life “they” dissuaded me to leave my friends. But as I started my final year, things changed like weather. My neighbor used to slap me with the same placement question in every morning. Then don’t know how and why I found myself caught in the darkness filled hands of purging lips. The lips which do not say anything but make me speechless. The hands which do not grab my throat but make me breathless. And the eyes which do not look at me but kill brutally. So to conquer this anxiety I learnt the second part of life, where I fought with “myself”. No nono… not with “myself”, I fought for “myself”.I started to avoid my claque to dissemble.Don’t know why I accepted the friendship of loneliness and those rubbish book which I always hated. I wanted to elude because I really couldn’t fathom what books were talking about.I pretended to feel awesome in that pestered at the all midnights locked inside my room A-115 of 120 hostel. Though I was not happy but I had to lose to gain something. That something was only in my mind, never set on my words. I didn’t know the gain but I lost in a hope that someday something special would be mine. Only mine. My journey of achieving unforeseen had been started. I learnt to crush the dreams of others to make mine true. Though I was going through plights but learnt to lie my parents “yes I am happy”. I learnt to give up pageants. I learnt to say my words to my consort loneliness and those abhorrent books. I wanted to abscond but didn’t know, from where to where. Thousands of times I cried to myself behind the door of room A-115. And hundreds of times I pacified myself by saying it is last. My soggy cheeks and xeric tears were not in the mood of cheerio. I still remember my 3rd year’s days when I used to see the journey of the moon at night. It would start from the right above my hostel and just before the dawn it ended in the boulevard of Devprayag hills. But in the final year up to the four months I didn’t see the night and sprinkling moon light. My love left me, my few closest friends left me my happiness left me then one day my phone rang with an unknown no.
“Hello”. I said.
“Are you Kamal Paneru?” voice came from other end. Then we talked for 9 minutes 56 seconds. I still remember his last line.
“Okay Mr. Kamal, you are placed now. You can join us just after your graduation.” His last word caressed me.
Then I came to know that was the moment I was waiting for. And I enjoyed hosanna. Really it was mine. Only mine. My race had been finished. I won it. I won myself. But I lost more than that. I lost my love, my friends, my trusts, my originality, my moon, my nights and most especial thing the life of those four months of final year. I had no one to share the feelings of that moment. I regretted a lot and after that day I cry night after night after night. I do fight with my loneliness to leave me but it asks myself “to whom I should leave you, once you left them now they left you. Tit for tat”. I can’t bring those days back, but I am still carrying a hope that one day I would see the cessation and they will come back. Now my neighbors have folded their lips. And I want to be out from those horror nights but every time I feel abdicated.
“main jeet ke bhi haar gya. Jeeta kisse main ye bhi nahi janta, hara kisse ye bhi nahi”
Na pucho mera haal ki main tanha kitna hu
Samet to gaagar, baha do to saagar jitna hu.
-          © Kamal Paneru


Thursday, July 31, 2014

dear friend

Dear bachche,
Happy birthday. howz u? hope u r fine. U know aaj aapse bat krne ka mann h. but darta hu main ab. Time b sala bda ajib hai na… pta hi nhi laga k kb ye ladki mere liye “tu” se “tum” fir “tum” se “aap” aur fir aap se “ma’am” ho gyi. I do miss to say you “tu”. Maine tujhe bahut sataya h na... but my intention was pure like deshi ghee. J mujhe abhi b yad h hmari pehli mulaqat, jb tum manisha k sath ayi thi campus shop pe. It was 15th September’2011 9:23am. Yaar ye jaruri nhi hota h ldka ldki se related dates sirf isliye yad rkhta h k wo use pyar krta h. I never loved u and u also did the same. But ek bonding thi hmari yar. Understanding thi. Acha lgti thi apni dosti. I know main kafi rough bolta hu. But mujhe yad h kbhi kbhi ka apna tere liye jhuk jana. u know college me bht kam log aise the, jinki smile achi thi, heart touching type. Sach bolu? Teri nhi thi waisi smile. That’s why I never said k megha teri smile achi h. main ye keh deta tha k tu achi h. I liked (sorry to say this word) you, but love aur like me to difference hota h na. ye to tujhe b pta h. ek bat kahu, mujhe bura us din nhi lga tha jis din tune kaha tha k kal se bat nhi karungi. Mujhe bura us din lga tha jb holi k din hm tere ghar k aage se nikle aur tune nazrein chura li thi mukesh aur mujhe dekh kr. Are hm andar thodi na aate gate k aur na hi hm logo ne drink ki hui thi, atleast known ya senior samajh k hi smile pas kr deti itna hi kafi tha. Mujhe bura tb nhi lga tha jb suna k tu committed ho gyi. Mujhe bura tb lga tha jb ye bat maine kisi aur se suni. Tu meri itni achi dost rhi, tune btana chahiye tha mujhe. (Even hmara to pre-decided tha k tere commitment pe party krenge). Megha mujhe bura tb nhi lga tha jb tune bola k “aapki wjh se hmare relation me problem h”. mujhe bura tb lga tha jb tu apne arpit ko hmari silent friendship prove nhi kr payi. Silent isliye k hmari last time phone pe bat march me hui thi. Aur uske bad kuch 10-15 msg 16 june k around, tb Jab main assam me tha aur tu Delhi NCR me sayd kisi shadi me aayi hui thi. Jis din college aye tum, bday gift dia tmhe. Us din b muskil se 2 second ruka sayd main trishul hostel k upar. Main pta nhi kyu likh rha hu ye sb. Mujhe tera apni bat pe loyal hona bda acha lgta h. k ek bar jo keh diya so keh diya. Kitni poems aur shayri likhi thi yar maine tujhpe. Impress krne k liye nhi likhta tha. U know mere pas wo 1 b poem aur shayri nhi hain. Sb tujhe us din copy me de di thi. Aur obvious si bat hai, mera haq hi kya h wo poems rkhne ka. Likhi tujhe pet hi to hui b to teri hi. meri to bus thodi si ink gyi usme.(magar bahut sari feelings b thi usme L ). 20th march k bad main 21 September ko mila tujhe. Ek hi college me hone k bad b pure 6 month bad. Us din ek meri wajah se problem ka sach chhipane k liye tera dusra jhut bolna k bhookh lgi h(sach hi hoga, jhut kyu bolegi). Mujhe chubh gya tha. Megha maine tere chehre pe padh liya to wo. Tbhi maine poem likhi thi k
muddat ke baad dekha use badli hui thi wo
na jane kya hadsa hua sehmi hui thi wo
mujhe dekh kar usne chehra to dikha diia
mgr aankhein bta rhi thi k royi hui thi wo
uski aankhon me dekh kar mehsoos hua mujhe
meri tarah kisi soch mein doobi hui thi wo
uski sone jaisi rangat zard parr gayi thi
jaise kisi ke pyaar mein jali hui thi wo
qurbaan jaon uss shakhs pe main “khamosh”
yaad me jiski khoyi hui thi wo

u knw tera “meri life se chle jao” kehne ka andaz bahut meetha tha Bahut meetha. Ek wo bat ki “tumhe malum h na mujhe aadat h tumhari, kam se kam meri aadat badalne tak to mere sath ruk jao” aur ek wo bat k “usne apne ghar ka rasta b dikha diya aur ye b kaha k intezar mt krna. Usne ye b kaha k main kbhi nhi milungi tumhe, magar tb b kisi se pyar mt krna” tmhe bahut acha aata tha. Mujhe ye dono bat bahut achi lgi thi teri. Aur main aaj b teri utni hi respect krta hu jitni pehle... tujhse sikhayat nhi h mujhe koi. Magar tb teri absence bht jyada feel hoti h, jab barish hoti hai aur jab aasman me chaand bahut pyara dikhta h. ab koi hota hi ni msg krne k liye k “ bahar aa k dekh chaand kitna pyara lag rha h”. kyu kia main kisi aur ko bolunga to log pagal bolne lgenge mujhe. hehe Maine tujhse kbhi koi gift hi nhi liya na… mujhe acha nhi lgta tha yar. Sach me. Juhi ki kasam. Maine kbhi realize hi nhi kiya kbi k kaisa lgta h jb koi kisi ko gift lauta de. College k last din is 26th June ko main H.O.D. k pas ek tohfa le k gya tha. Ki ek de deta hu jate jate. Usse pehle maine 2 bar dprtmnt me mithai khilayi h. dono bar usne khayi. But us din usne tohfa b nhi liya aur mithai b nhi khayi. U knw bht bht bht bura lga tha, k usne gift lauta diya. Tb mujhe tujhe gift lauta dena yad aya. And I realized how much I hurt u on my very first bday treat with you (you presented a novel “father, please no”) and tera mujhe mukesh k hatho bhijwaya hua wo tohfa. Sorry megha. Teri wali novel maine kai bar dhundi market me. But mujhe nhi mili. But nhi mili mujhe. Maine pure b.tech me tujhe kbhi jhut nhi bola. But jate jate ek jhut bol gya. Jb tune bola k main aapki novel k paise bhijwa dungi. To maine keh diya k jiska naam acknowledgement me h usse maine paise nhi liye. But sach ye tha k main tujhse lena nhi chahta tha. Mainly teri wjh se hi to wo novel puri hui to tujhse kyu paise lene. Aur waise b tujhse kaha’n kbhi kuch liya h maine. Ha ek bar biochemistry ki book li thi mail pe. Aur b liya hoga sayd. But dhyan nhi ab. Fir u know near about 40 juniors ko apni book di, aur kisi se paise nhi liye. Kyu lene yar junior se paise. Jo junior se b paise lene lge to wo senior b kya. I know very well ki as a senior main kbi tere kaam nhi aya. Kbhi b nhi. Never. But mujhe hmesa acha lgta tha k teri mujhse hr sem me 5-10 % jyada aati rhi. Yad h? maine 3rd year me ek bar kaha tha k college k last din milna ek bat btaunga. Ho hi nhi paya fir milna. Tumhe apna gurur tha hme apna. U know jb tu first year me thi, goonj me maine hi bheja tha tujhe miss goonj k liye apne branch se. bahut behes hui thi hmari class ki girls se is bat pe. But tujhe pta hi h hmari class k boys. Hehe. Hm logo ki grls se bnti nhi so hm unki sunte b nhi. Pehle preeti aur shefali ko bhej rhe the. Fir mujhe tera dhyan aya. Fir preeti replace ho gyi. Preeti ko b maine hi select kiya tha wha k liye. But wo maan gyi k juniors ko chance dena chahiye.  Fir wo m.tech ki rupali mam se setting. K koi b ho megha jaegi hi jaegi aage. Jb hm 2nd year me the main bahut dur se pehchan leta tha tujhe. Aur ab ptani kya. Sayd interaction nhi h. tu paper se kuch roj pehle mere muskil se 4 feet dur se guzri, mujhe pta hi lga. Wo to tb pt alga jb aage ja k mere bgl se guzrne wali ldki kedar k aage ruki. Fir arpit milne aya. Tb pehchana maine tujhe. Aur yar believe me, fb pe us I.D. se message maine nhi liye the. Mujhe koi b bat krni hoti to main apni I.D. se hi kr deta kyuki tere sath achi understanding thi. Us chakkar se fir maine ID hi bnd kr di thi. But mujhe sach me nhi pta k wo photo kaha se aayi us bnde pe, jo usne aapko bheji thi msgs me. U know Juhi k bad tut hi jo meri life e itni important rhi. Tbhi to tujhe novel me itna character diya. Tujhe usme kafi error mili hongi. But jab koi book publish ho k market me aati h, tb grammatical error k liye editor responsible hote hain. Wo khud se type krte hain apne according to remove error. But editor ne error kr di sari. Khair 2nd edition me nhi hoga aisa. Tujhe main samajh me nhi aa rha k kaise contact karu. Samajh me nhi aa rha k bat kya krunga. Main to pehle b aisa hi tha, phone pe b khamos aur mil k b khamosh. But time badal gya h ab. Ab wo bonding ko replace kr diya h arguments, silence aur remembrance ne. yar bura mat maan, but thoda to sath rehti. Tu to aise gyi jaise light chli jane k bad ek bade se room me sannata fail jata h. ab main poetry nhi krta. 23rd December’12 ko tune kaha tha k mujh pe mt kiya kro poetry. I do remember ur words. Us din k bad se pta nhi kya hua. I didn’t left poetry but Poetry left me. Tune mujhe bahut bahut bahut kuch sikhaya h life me. Bahut kuch which brings maturity in a person. Mere bas me hota to main tujhe 10th November’12 ki beauty(tu usi din ghar gyi thi clg se aur rat ko shadi attend kr rhi thi) k liye miss beautiful ka award b de deta. Aur mujhe itna kuch sikhane k liye ek best teacher ka b. itna to teacher se seekha, jitna tujhse seekha life me.  Ab yar Tu b soch rhi hogi k kya faltu ki bate likh rkhi hain isne pure msg me. Bday k din b faltu batein kr rha h. chal poetry try krta hu aaj ek. I know bekar hi hogi.
Ek tuta hua chaand, ek thami hui barish
Ek chhoti si aas, ek dabi hui sajish
kuch gulaab khile hue aur do hoth sile hue
kuch andaj juda sa, aur do dil mile hue
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne
do aankhein hairan si, kuch khwahisein pareshan si
kuch silwatein juban si, kuch shaklein anjaan si
kuch sath chhoote se, kuch riste toote se
kuch parose hue khwab jhuthe se, kuch apne roothe se
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne
thoda masum si hasi, thoda sehmi hui baatein
thoda gir jane k chahat, thoda fislti hui raatein
kuch ehsaan dabe se, kuch armaan jage se
kuch tuti hui neendein, kuch shamshan lute se
kya kya dikhaya zindgi ne

12:19pm pe baitha ye pura likhne. Ab 2:46 ho rha h. itna hi likh paya bus.

Again happy birthday. Life me kbhi jarurat ho jarur yad krna. I know tu loyal h. nhi btaegi mujhe. tc
- copy right @ Kamal Paneru

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Believe Me I am Fetishist… I Don’t Love You

Believe Me I am Fetishist… I Don’t Love You
Still I remember that chilled morning of 2 years ago when I was leaving the city for the marriage of my friend’s sister. They had arranged that marriage in the other city. So well all friends took the same book which they hired. I set in two chairs sided column. Just next to me In the 3 seated column a bad looking married woman of about 25 was having their seat. Our destination was 4 hour far on the rounded zigzag road of hills, which were filled with the natural beauty and covered with a white beauty of snow.
I didn’t see her much because I was not interested at all. After having our destination when she descended I saw her eyes. It was beautiful, no no no… I think I don’t have not a perfect word to describe her eyes. I looked her eyes and lost in it. After that whenever I looked at her I saw only thing in her was her eyes.she caught me many times while doing this. But every time I made her feel comfortable in this whole eye contact and kept her crude thinking away. As time passed I noticed she was looking at me, my eyes constrained her. But I didn’t know why she was gazing me in every five minutes. Then this five minute gap collapsed into couple of seconds. I thought she was going to complaint to their goon like father. Trust me I am not a fetishist or a pervert. Her eyes didn’t let me see after her face. So I decided I won’t look her anymore, but I couldn’t stop myself and I looked her again then again and then again. Night was at their peak. It had been more than 1’O clock. We were in a sitting in a big hall and we all friend were making fun of the consort of friend’s sister. We all friend were sitting on the sofa while she was sitting on the floor some 25 feet straight away from me. Night compelled all to cover themselves with the quilt. she was gazing me.
“Why are you gazing me like this? did I do something wrong?”I asked to myself. I know I had to ask it from her. I saw when she slept she was looking worse. But I saw her again and again, its not that there was only a chick of that age. There were many other spinster of teen and twenties. But with a hope to see her eyes I placed my eyes on her face. After two hours when she opened their eyes, it was me whom she saw first. I passed her a smile but she turned their face. After this whenever she caught me I passed a smile, our eye contact time had been increased to five to ten seconds, once it was staying just for a glance. My all friends were sleeping and I was sitting with opened eyes. its not that I don’t sleep at night, but I didn’t want to waste even a single second without her eyes. does it mean “main line maar rha tha?” after that I said many thing with my eyes even I asked her name too. She didn’t reply, but again and again and again she looked at me. I don’t know what that was, but I was enjoying. The way I was looking her and the way she was turning her face after making eye contact for aeon. Finally the marriage finished and we had to come back. Don’t know whether it was coincidence or my luck, we got the same seat which we had last time. After few minutes I approached her. I typed a message and showed her. Its because I didn’t have her no at that time. She saw and turned her face. I didn’t speak because because she was surrounded by her relatives. As bus started the journey of those zigzag path, she got a feeling of nausea so shifted to the window seat. I wanted to talk her so I changed my seat by pretending the same and sat just behind her on the window seat. All person sitting in bus were drowsy because of the hectic schedule of last night so within an our she slept. I put my hand on the head of her seat. She was sleeping. Once unknowingly her fingers touched my hand and I touched her palm with my lustful fingers. She woke up but didn’t oppose and left her hand there. I rubbed her palm then hand. She turned.
What are you doing?
Sorry.
No its okay.
Whats your name?
… and urs?
... (I must not write these two name)
R u married?
Why are you asking?
I like you.
Okay, if I were not what would you do?
I don’t know, but I like your eyes.
Really?
Yup
I am 19 single, not married.
Okay that nice
Give me your no. she asked and I gave her. She did the same and I got her no. after then she slept again and again I started to rub her hand. I was having thinking that she was coquette. I moved my hand to her shoulder and rubbed there. She didn’t speak so it encouraged me and I put my hand on her bust. Though I adjusted because I was sitting behind her. She didn’t mind so I dabbed that bust. She opened her eyes and bristled.
What are you doing?
Sorry. I said and removed my hand but after few minutes I did the same in a dexterous way.
Itni b kya jaldi hai? She turned and asked.
Because I know this is the right time.
Okay.
Any problem?
No. she said and showed her agreement on what I was doing. I entered my hand in her suit in a brozen way and she started to rub my hand. I made her on and debauched her.
Dear please cover it with your shaul. I said and she followed me. then for the next two hours I pressed her bust from inside the brassiere. I noticed her bust were buxom. She had small but nice tits. After completing the journey we both went to there home. And in the evening I received her call. I created balderdash and asked her figure with an entreaty. It was 34-28-36. Within few minutes she exuded her love but I denied by saying we are from different cast. I hesitated to say “I don’t love you”. whenever she asked “do u love me” I changed the topic and made a wall of cast. Still she asks the same and still I talk about cast. Because I am afraid of saying “dear believe me, I don’t love you”. her love in on crutches. I played with her emotions and still to hide the lie I am playing. I am a fetishist I am a pervert and I am a consummate. But neither I am misogynist nor misogamist. God bless her and my mind too.

-          - (c)  Kamal Paneru

Thursday, July 17, 2014

an unspoken love

Andrew and Ganga (an unspoken love)
Sometimes love comes between two person with very first glance. In that evening, clouds and insane wind were making a threatening environment but blemishing the beauty of the empyrean. There in a big grassy ground, Ganga was waiting for Andrew. Andrew was her lover who she met only three days ago. She fell in love at very first sight. Andrew was an Adonis. She proposed him and he accepted it because Ganga was the beauty girl and more adorable. She was the one whose look could compel anyone to stare for eon. After a long wait of two hours Andrew came and stopped at few distance from her. He shied and then smiled. As he saw in her eyes, Ganga suddenly became restless. Her heart started to beat so fast. She could feel and hear her breathe too in that heavy rainy noise. Her eyes shed a drop of tear which raindrops washed out. Her impatience was increasing and Andrew was afflicting her from that distance. On seeing her restlessness Andrew smiled and forwarded his hand to ask her to be closed. He showed her lingering love by putting a love filled palm on her face. Ganga felt so happy, and then he gradually unlocked her lovely hairs which were falling on her face. Andrew kissed her lips deeply for first time and Ganga couldn’t resist. They enjoyed their first love kiss which was awesome. Andrew held her hand and spoke a smallest poetry on her beauty. It made her Ganga to fly in the endless sky. Her heart melted down with those lines of poem. He could feel her running heart beat so took her in the arms tightly. It enraptured her. She closed her eyes and found herself most lucky woman of the whole universe.  That was the moment; Ganga had waited for whole life. Time had been stopped and the only thing which running was, their deep breathes. Andrew and Ganga were made for each other.
“I have to go”. Andrew said.
“Why? You just came few seconds ago”. Ganga asked. Andrew didn’t reply and remained silent. His silence was the catastrophe to Ganga. His words and silence both scratched her heart. Andrew left her hand and turned. He wanted to say the truth but her tears made him weak.
“Ganga I Love you”. Andrew said but her lips were trembling. Ganga wanted to stop him to leave but her throat had been filled with endless emotions. Andrew wanted to tell him about the nearest end of his life. He was suffering from a disease which had overwhelmed her life. Now he was approaching to death with time. He left her there and went. Rain on the ground had been stopped but Ganga’s face was wet with the tears yet. She kept watching till he disappeared. Night had introduced itself but that darkness was nothing in front of the darkness of her life. Andrew had enlightened her life and her dreams too. Now she was going through the unbearable pain and waiting in vain. Andrew died just after the few days of that meet. Ganga is still unknown to this truth. Now it has been two years but she waits for him because according to Ganga, he is not returned yet so he will come. She never tried to know why he left and why doesn’t he come back. She has a hope to make herself enliven in the pain. To be cherished and make her own heart fool, every morning she wakes up and keeps open the door to let her first love come in.

-         - copy right @ Kamal Paneru

Saturday, January 18, 2014

i like the moon's journey when it starts from just above my home and ends in the boulevard of silent hills. and i like it the most when its turns to yellowish orange just before the dawn. i see it travels through clouds with passing a smile to the surrounding stars.